Don’t Try To Turn Off GRIEF
Whether privately or publicly, people! It’s normal to grieve. The expression of pain, disappointment, anger, emptiness, hopelessness and helplessness are collective emotions that overwhelm us when faced with the knowledge of death. It is the reality that the snatching away of someone or something that you cannot bring back that ignites these emotions that lurk in unfamiliar places of our hearts. Grief has no cultural or social restrictions. It is a matter of the heart!
There are no easy answers to be given for loss. It is the bleeding for heartfelt experiences that were tangible but can no longer be recreated. The veracity of experiencing loss seems insurmountable. The fact is that grieving is an extremely painful and devastating experience. It cannot be suppressed or dismissed from our hearts and minds. There are no shortcuts to grieving. On the contrary, if the grieving process is not permitted to have a natural transition, it can cause depression and possibly post traumatic depression. To be specific, suppressing grief can strangle us.
How does society impose the restraint of bereavement is quite interesting? Typical employment workplace stipulates that individuals need three work days off to mourn the loss of an immediate family. People need to support each other as they go through the grieving process There is no time restraint for someone to go through a grieving process.
Gilligan’s theory states that the circle of grieving takes twelve calendar months to completely grieve the loss of a loved one. This theory hypothesizes that for each yearly event on the calendar the survivor goes through a process of awareness and grief that the person they have lost is not returning. For example, they learn to go through holidays and events without the deceased individual; they are more likely to normalize the person’s absence. Although, theoretically this sounds good this cannot be the same for people who have had bouts of separation in their lives and have learned to cope with separation-retroactively. For example, people who have been in and out of foster care or incarceration have experienced absence from loved ones for more than a calendar year and they are able to reconnect after that process. So, as we talk about bereavement having a time frame, we need to be cognizant that everyone does not have the same background or cultural affiance with this grieving restraint.
My mother died in 2010 and this wonderful woman who has impacted and influenced me in so many ways, is constantly in my consciousness. She has provided the first lessons to almost all the areas of my life. I grieve her passing almost every week, even though she passed away a decade ago. The very core of my foundation has been emboldened with her words and examples. I can still hear her voice speaking words of wisdom to me. As such when we talk about bereavement restraint, it does not apply to a daughter who not only wants to remember her lost mother but who wants to reminisce and to wail at times because she cannot reach over and hug her mother. Oftentimes, I want to just lay my head on her lap and hear those words, “it will be fine, hang in there.” What is important is that it is important to express your grief.
Two weeks ago, I lost a dear friend and business associate a few days after sitting in a meeting with her. This event is still fresh and less than a year or far less than a decade ago. When I compared the two sets of grieving processes, there is no less degree of intensity for grieving. Individuals deal with loss in different ways and this has to be acknowledged to allow people to gain the traction and confidence to commemorate the loss of their loved ones in ways that they are comfortable with.